This blog is likely to be centered on reporting my findings while I spend this year concentrating on excavation and validation of what I find there. Who knows where it will go from there! I am a traveller who believes in learning through storytelling and the riches within.
I have spent much of this week looking at the state of my heart both physically and otherwise. I have spent other periods of time looking at it, but judgement was interwoven with what was found there. Specifically on Thursday, this "looking" at was one of focus and intention in removing judgement. I called out of work and spent most of the day flat on my back asking myself what my heart was trying to tell me. Oh boy, was I bowled over! Loss was the first response. I thought of all that I have lost. Parents and friends were the hardest to look at. This loss has deeply affected me, but wasn't at the core of it. My heart was still fibrillating, leaping out of my chest...asking me to go deeper. I have to add something here...I do not believe illness is caused by sin or separation from the Divine. I do not believe that recovery is necessarily reflected in overcoming disease. I do however, feel that anytime my body has something to say that I am not listening to, it repeats. I believe in body intelligence. My body is often wiser than my thoughts. Wisdom is not necessarily medicine and the body knows medicine. My heart is in need of this variety of care. I have worked with doctors and remedies and my heart still yelps at my denial. I have faith in what the worlds healers and doctors offer, in the way that I know a bath will help relax me. I still need to get into the bath and attempt to remain relaxed after it. Outsiders can offer solace and space to recognize what is missing. I think there is more to the picture. For another time.
When I went deeper into my heart and asked it about loss, flashes of prior experiences washed over my inner sight and a small voice said something of the Divine Feminine.
The Divine Feminine! What does that mean? I know that it was not safe for me to be the girl I was when I was young. I couldn't be controlled so scare tactics were used. I didn't fit in, so I neutralized myself in my body politic.
At the ChIME convocation weekend we were asked to do a theater exercise where we walked around the room as a character that we developed within a few seconds and there was a problem that we encountered that occasionally stopped us in our tracks. My character was an 82 year old man whose left arm no longer worked and he needed to till the field in preparation for planting so that he could eat. No one was there to help him.
We didn't spend time analyzing these character impressions and where we came up with them, but my character has stuck with me for the last couple of weeks. My inner male is beyond gender and still working to the bone, disenfranchised from the feminine and alienated from meaningful contact and support. Who is this person? It doesn't seem like an obvious match the the Meghan Yates I know and love! But frankly, this picture is a portrait of my basic inner feelings. I am struggling right now. I am stressed and searching for the next level of balance. How do I integrate this loving, fertile mother into my life? How can I embody the marriage between my opposites?
So the "all in the name" bit. My name is of English/Irish heritage and means "speaker of truth and light who stands by the gates of God." I have always been struck by the fluidity and clarity in the meaning of my name. The thing that I am realizing is that I want to be Inside those gates! I have sustained my life with an arm's length sort of intimacy and it's not good enough anymore. I think the key to integration between my masculine nature as the container, playful and full of life force and my feminine mother who is full of inspiration and fully able to engage in rebirth is somewhere inside those gates.
That is all I can write for now. More later. Stay tuned.
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